Basically, they are like a guy I knew when I was a kid…Randy the Rent-A-Cop. Randy used to patrol the mean streets of Grove City….well, actually only the parking lot of the McDonalds was within his "jurisdiction", but he liked to stroll the streets in his little Rent-A-Cop outfit…it the badge is not state issued, then its an outfit - not a uniform…just my opinion, though.
Anyway, these bobbies have done nothing to change their image in my mind. First off, they all wear these bright lime green vests. This makes them look stupid really, I think. Who can respect a guy that looks like one of the dudes from the Village People? I feel like at any moment one of them could whip a little radio out of their fanny packs and break into a rendition of 'YMCA' right there on Oxford St.!
And the fanny pack - yes, I keep coming back to that, I know, but if any of you come across the pond for a visit, you'll know what I'm talking about and you'll just laugh, too. What can they have in there? Not extra ammo, not a Taser, what? Maybe some Band-Aids and a little Neosporin? In case a mugger falls after stealing someone's wallet, then the bobby can patch him up? He sure can't shoot him or subdue the mugger unless he knows some sort of Kung Fu or sheer magic!
I mean, really! These guys don't even carry the big Maglight Flashlights or batons! They might have the batons, though - I just haven't seen them - hopefully that’s among the kleenex in the fanny pack.
Honestly, there is just something about the boys in blue with their pristine uniforms, their holsters (with guns) and their attitude that demands respect and order. These guys, though, with their lime green vests and fanny packs demand as much respect as Randy the Rent-A-Cop got from me when I was 13.
Now that said, I did have a little closer brush with the boys in green that I would have liked to the other night..
I was out the other night around 9:30, just taking a walk (since there was nothing on the 5 channels I currently get on the TV). I am starting to cross the street, when all of the sudden, about 5 bobbies on motorcycles come down the main street and shut off all the side streets.
Just to set the mental image for you, the streets are split a bit, so you can cross one set of lanes (east bound for example), then there is a little island you can wait on until you can cross the next lane (west bound for example).
Guess where I was when they rolled up - yeah - stuck on the little island!!
So they roll up, shut off the side streets and then this one - with his helmet still on - starts looking at me and I think he was yelling, but he still had his helmet on, so it wasn't really effective yelling, it was more his face was moving a bit and his eyes were all angry. Then he starts pointing to me all furious and whips his helmet off and yells at me to get out of the street!!
This might not be the time to point it out, but technically, I wasn't in the street - I was on the island, but I kept my mouth shut about that…
Now here is where we start to have a wee problem. He had a really heavy accent - northern England, I think - you can hardly even understand them sometimes - and I didn't get what he was saying, so I must have looked confused. So he starts pointing to the other side of the street, but there was a bus coming - what did he want me to do?!? Run in front of the bus??
So I point to the bus and he starts to get off his bike....um...this can't be good....he starts to stride over to me, but before he gets to me. He raises his hand and holts the bus! Good thing since that situation really could have gone another way!
He points to me, then points to the opposite corner and looks straight at me and yells - over there! And he kinda said it like i was an idiot or something - whatever. I feel that was a bit unnecessary.
So I hustle over to the other corner and before I know it, this convoy of cars comes flying down the other side of the street. No idea who it was, there was a flag on the Range Rover, and on a couple of the limos, but I didn't recognize anyone.
Mainly this was because I wasn't looking to much at the convoy because I was still trying to figure out why the bobby was still looking at me strangely - he was making me a bit nervous! I mean - what the heck? I was out of the street and all. Well, the convoys rolls past and all starts to get back to normal, and a few more bobbies start to roll down to the next intersection - they're like leap frogging to stop traffic for this convoy and the bobby that had been yelling at me and staring at me starts to come over...Oh man - am I an enemy of the state or something?
Does he work for the TV License in his spare time? I took care of that!!!
Well, he comes over to me - which was only a few steps really, I wasn't that far from his motorcycle and he looks at me and says, "Sorry luv, didn't mean to scare you like that and make you spill your coffee. Just doing my duty." With that, he gets back on his bike and rides away, leaving me staring at him a bit confused…what is he talking about?
When I look down, here I have hot tea all over the front of my t-shirt! When I had to run across the street, it must have slopped out of the cup and I didn't even notice!!! Nice...really smooth, Tiffer!
So apparently they don't need guns to rule the streets of London, they can get you with a little Earl Grey Tea!
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