It is slightly amazing to me that there is any unemployment in this country as there seems to be some step in some process that someone can and does hold the key to.
Process 1 - Getting your banking set up….aka - I just wanna be able to get my money - please don't hold my money hostage!!
So in the states, if you need to get a bank account, you just go into any branch of any on any corner of any street. They greet you nicely with a smile that says, "We're trustworthy, please let us hold your money for you." You sign your name on the dotted line, maybe add your social security number to the mix, they give you little temporary check and say, "Thanks, you'll get your ATM card and Pin in the next 5-7 days in the mail." Five days later, you've got your card in your hand, a PIN number in your hand and you can hit the net and register yourself to bank online any time you want, you can immediately call the number on the back of the card and anyone will give you your balance or discuss your account with you at anytime so long as you can provide them with correct answers to your security information. Done!
Well, in the UK…not so easy.
First, simply by being an ex-pat, for tax purposes, I need to keep my money offshore. This is not nearly as glamorous as they make it out to seem in the movies - in actuality, it adds a whole level of complexity to the banking process that almost makes me want to just give it to the government and be done with it. There are long drawn out reasons for this, but I won't bore you with the details, except for the fact that my money is somewhere off the coast of France…as are the only people that can apparently deal with my money.
Now, don't get the wrong idea here, I didn't secretly hit the lottery and move in an attempt to hide from people who want to get my lotto winnings - make no mistake, we are not talking about exorbitant amounts of money here…To put it in perspective, in relation to the amounts of money that most people hide offshore…my little nest egg is probably less than the interest those people earn.
Step 1 - Day 1 - Apply for the account - Yes, that's right - I had to actually apply - a 2 page application no less to ask someone to keep my money. This application process takes about a week to get approved - how many people do they have applying that it takes a week to process?
Step 2 - Day 8 - Once approved, they send you an email with all your account details. This is totally in direct contrast to all the next steps that are specifically designed to protect me from fraud.
Step 3 - Day 15 - 7 days later I get my PIN number in the mail. This must be signed for.
Step 4 - Once I get the PIN number, I must then call the bank, confirm I got the PIN. They will then mail out my card.
Step 5 - Day 17 - 2 days later I get my checks in the mail. I have no idea how to fill these things out - they do not look like any check I have ever seen and I was a teller at a bank when I was in college!! Also, I need to call a separate number to confirm I have received these safely.
Step 6 - Day 18 - The next day I get a book of deposit slips in the mail. Again - these do not look like any deposit slip I've ever seen!! Again, there is another number to call to verify that I received these in the mail as well.
Step 7 - Day 26 - 8 days later, I receive my card in the mail. Once I receive that card, I must then call again - you guessed it - a separate number - and speak to someone to verify that I received the card. I then have to provided them with my customer number to active the card and access my money. Oh wait - I don't have my customer ID yet!!
Step 8 - Day 29 - 3 days later, I get my customer ID in the mail. I call back in to a 5th number and activate the card and can finally access my money that has been held hostage until this point.
Step 9 - Day 30 - I try to go online to set up my account only to find out that you have to apply to have online banking!! I try to call the bank from the number on the back of my card and check my balance. Only I find out that this number is the number for UK customers, not customers with international banking like me. But they make the cards in the UK, so they just put the UK phone number on all the cards. Once they find the number for telephone banking and give it to me - because they have no access to even see my balance - and am told that I also have to apply for telephone banking as well!!! I have to apply to look at my account and get an automated voice to tell me a balance?!?! Are you kidding me!?!?!
Apparently no, they weren't kidding me, and I don't think the lady on the phone appreciated my sarcasm to their processes….
Step 10 - Day 30 - Submit my application for online and telephone banking.
Step 11 - Day 34 - I receive confirmation that my application for internet and telephone banking has been processed and accepted…um…was there a chance this might have been declined? Are there individuals out there that are able to use their accounts and bank cards, but not access them online?
Step 12 - Day 35 - I happen to be in the area of a bank and popped in to ask the lady how to fill out a check…this is not a proud moment for me, but I admit, when dealing with this much process, one can never have too much pride in what they know and do not no - absolutely do not assume anything around here!!
Process 2 - BT Line Rental - the gatekeeper to the telecommunications universe…aka…Are monopolistic practices not of concern to Her Royal Majesty?
In the states if you want to talk on the phone, you just call Ma Bell, or one of her neighbors, Ms. Sprint or Ms. ATT and they take some info over the phone, make sure your credit report doesn't officially list you as a deadbeat with payment history problems, they give you a number, then they tell you it will be turned on in a few days - and no, in most cases, you don't even need to be home.
Also in the states, if you want to surf the internet, you just call one of those same nice people again, or even their cousins, Mr. Armstrong or Mr. Comcast and one of them will be more than happy to send you out all the equipment you need and turn your service on.
Oh no no…not true in the UK. In order to get anything done, you have to rent a BT (British Telephone) line. Rental for the line comes in at a low low service price of £11.50 per month. Apparently, no one will touch you unless you have a BT line number. This is also some sort of verification of your residency - like you'd be trying to hook up internet if you didn't live here? And even if you did - why do they care? They're still getting paid?
Now, usually they can just hook up the line with in a few days - whenever they have the next available appointment. Yes, here you have to be here when the BT man comes, and for your convenience, their appointments are between 9am and 5pm Monday through Friday. Their appointment windows are 9am-1pm and 12pm-5pm.
However, in my case, when you apparently have no previous lines into the flat (for instance if you're landlord didn't bother to hook that back up after they cut the lines while remodelling the place) then you get to pay £125 just for the service man to come and reconnect your lines.
"Ma'am, the next available appointment is in only 8 days, its really unusual to get an appointment that quick!" says the guy on the phone…a phone call which took 28 minutes.
So I reserve my slot for 9am-1pm and anxiously await the day.
Oh - also, did I fail to mention that I had to sign a 12 month contract for the privilege of getting a home phone? Yeah - I'm just rolling my eyes at this point - I could care less if they freeze like that...
Oh - and no, I can't get internet until I get a BT line, so this means I take the morning off work since I can't really work from home since I don't have an internet connection.
Once I get my line, then comes the fun of deciding upon an internet provider!
Now, there are many to choose from, but all have contracts, and there are as many plans out there as there are blades of grass on Her Majesty's Royal Garden.
How did I choose the best plan? The one that could get hooked up the fastest!
The range of actually getting service and equipment ran anywhere from 10 to 21 days. Apparently this country is not so much what you would call a "Customer Service Oriented Society" Hmm…and I though the pace in the south was slow!
Oddly, BT came out ahead since they provided a free modem, made me only sign a 1 year contract and were in the top three for quickest turn around. Plus, I had foolishly also thought that it would be convenient to get one bill from the BT Nazi's.
Oh - side note - they don't really like the use of the term Nazi around her…like soup Nazi, etc….they are still a little sore about that…we won't go into details about how I found this out the head way…that’s another story for another day.
So now I am patiently (yeah right) awaiting my equipment to arrive at some point this week - and yes - it must be signed for (hope I'm home) and then they will turn on the service at some point late Friday evening….interesting that they employ someone to switch on my service at 8pm on a Friday night, but they can't find someone to send out my equipment earlier than 12 days after I call to get the service set up? How many modems do they send out that there is such an overwhelming backlog?
Process 3 - Freeview…aka, you get what you pay dearly for…and it ain't free)
So in the US, when you want cable, you call your local cable provider and say, "Please let me pay you to watch a little TV." They say, "Right away - we want your money as fast as possible!" And within a few days you can plug it in, turn it one and - viola! - more channels than you will ever really want to watch, but will have to pay for anyway!! Plus a nominal fee per month - about 4 dollars for tax.
Or you have the other option - the option that my father has threatened since the day we got our first little grey cable box - go with an antenna. I used to think he was a bit crazy for that, but now I am loath to admit that he might have been onto something. If anyone out there is reading this that knows him, please tell him that he might have been right about that - please be specific about only being right in this one case - I don't want him to get to smug about some of his other ideas being right as well. And no, for those of you that don't know him, there is no way he will ever read this since he has decided that computers are not a necessity…see that's what I mean about telling him he's on to something too often.
Anyway, here in London, there are also 2 options, 1 - but the cable and pay extortion for a sick amount of stations that will never be watched, or 2 - Freeview.
Now I don't understand all the technicalities of it all, but at some point, everyone must have had to have an aerial (antenna) on their houses or buildings because it appears that, for most places, you just plug the cable into the wall and you get 5 stations…seemingly for free.
There are only 5 now since they, like the US, are mandating digital lines, so as long as you buy a freeview digital box and there you can get 40 channels….seemly for free.
Yes - the whole buying freeview is an oxymoron…and again, the sales people don't like the sarcasm when you point that out.
Now, why do I keep saying seemingly for free? Well, that would be because I got a nice little letter from an Inspector Wilhelm of the TV Licensing Counsel advising me that they have launched an investigation as there has been illegal usage of a television without a TV License. If the investigation (which will only take 2 weeks) proves that there is illegal usage of a TV, then the offender will be prosecuted and fined £1000!!!
An offender!?!!? I'm barely a resident!!!
A what!?!? A TV License? Who are these people? How can they tell I was watching 5 channels - and really - one is really fuzzy!! So that's only 4 channels since I haven't bothered to buy my freeview box yet!
So I call the number they have listed as their investigations department. LIARS!!! This is telesales!! Now, tell me how is threatening your residents fair advertising?
In all honesty, though - the guy on the phone did tell me that it might take upwards of 6 months for those investigations, but they do get around to it.
So there you have it...£130 pounds later, I have my TV License paid up for the year.
Yeah, freeview…..hm, I think they might need to rethink the name on that one…
So there you have it, just a few of the processes that have consumed my days and a few of my restless nights here…
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